Yesterday during our farewell party, once people got too tired of dancing and had reached near zero energy levels, they started coming on stage and talking about their experiences in the four years, about the friends that they made and how they cherish their friendships with them...These events drove me into deep thought. "Friends for life" people said. I wondered what they really meant. Even i have used this phrase off handedly but never understood the real meaning of it. Yesterday i did. Yesterday i did mainly because i really didnt think i had made the so called friends for life in the four years at VESIT; of course except for two or three.
Brian called out my name to go and speak. I really didnt want to. 'Coz i didnt have the things that people wanted to hear in the first place. Also, it would have made me feel even worse to tell what i felt when I seemed to be the only one feeling this way. Not that not talkin about it would have made me feel better. But there is this thing about "Talking about what you feel". It brings your feelings which are at the back of your mind to the forefront. And these feelings stare right at you and you will have to face them. So, i refused to speak.
Then Ram came up and said he would sing a few lines. The song was obvious, for the occasion. 'Pal' - Hum rahein ya na rahein kal...Yaad aayenge yeh pal. My eyes filled up with tears. I didnt bother to wipe them off. I didnt want to. The song has magic in it. There is something out of the world about this song, that every time i listen to it, it triggers a flash back of the wonderful moments ive had with my close friends. But, this time it was rather different. Heart breakingly different. Nothing really flashed in front of me. I did have a good time in the four years. But they were not memorable. I do not know the reasons. I do not dare to start thinking abt the reasons. I know it will make me feel miserable.
I know one thing for sure. These four years have been good! Just good! Not wonderful, life changing or memorable...these four years have taught me some important lessons in life that i am sure i will remember in future. I have made many friends. A Few good friends. One best friend. These four years have also given me my dearest buddy. Well!!!I do not have complaints. I am more than happy to leave college with a few great friends by my side. They are in true sense, "friends for life"...
Monday, May 01, 2006
My dearest Brother
It was 3 in the afternoon. Blistering heat. Wobbly auto rikhshaw, the kind that can seat 6 people in one. Six of us friends heading for alibaug. Things were getting quiter as we ran out of ideas to play or talk about something. Sriram pops a question to us. What are the 3 BEST things that happened to you in these four years in VESIT. Almost instantaneously, a name flashed in front of my eyes...'Seshu' it read...
Seshadri NArasimhan - Not so Tall. Only bones and skin, No flesh. Typical madrasi looking. Noticeable glasses. Scholarly looks...Well this is the description of his which will not do any justice to the gem of a person that he is.
I met him for the first time in the first SFMC meeting in my second year. He comes across as an intelligent and caring person to everyone. That is how even i felt. I interacted quite a bit with him professionally regarding SFMC work with him in the second year. I never realised that a wonderful friendship was in the making. I found the kind of a friend that i think i was sub conciously looking out for. At the end of the second year, I tied him a Rakhi and officially made him my brother. And for the record...He didnt give me any gift. Not even a Chocolate!!!
"Seshu, Waste hai tu".
By the way. I keep saying this to him quite often. :) But what i really mean when i say is...
"I love you brother"...
You can just stop loving this guy...
He can read my pulse. Yes! he really can. He always knows the mood that i am in. At times when even my mom doesnt know that something is bothering me, seshu knows. He would deligently come into the class, stand besides my bench and look at me for a moment. I now what he is going to say next. And even he knows that i know!! But I behave like i am toally unaware of his intentions. I look at him stupidly and say an artificially cheerful "HI SESHU"... He would throw one of his "Shut up Stupid" looks and say what i know he is going to say "Aparna, Bahar Chal"...Well, sitting on the bench out side my class starts the counselling session. I have ALWAYS felt better after speaking to him.
We discuss almost everything under the sun... My deepest fears, stupidest ideas and craziest fantasies find reason with him. Something spectacular about this guy is that he says what we want to hear. 100% of the times, we are in tune. He understands exactly what i feel and says exactly the things i want to hear.
The third year, the most important year of our friendship, saw the both of us taking up very important posts in our college society SFMC. Through out the year, he has been by my side, telling me what i should be doing and what i should stay away from and appreciating my work. He has been my best critic too! He has been my greatest support on my most miserable days and has always come to me with his problems looking for support from me. Yes, we have had some misunderstandings, but very few of them, and I know for sure that these episodes have only strengthened our friendship.
That year, during Raksha Bandhan, i tied him a rakhi again, but this time I really wasnt expecting anything from him. And as usual he said, "Mere paas tujhe dene ke liye kuch nahi hai re!!" And for a change, i was not too upset at this. Coz i really didnt want anything FROM him. I just wanted him to be my side as always. That day, there was a surprise awaiting me in my mail box. It was a poem written by him for me. A simple yet beautiful poem. I would have read it atleast a hundred times that day and i continue to read it now and then. It makes me feel special. It was then that i came to know of yet another talent of my brother...He was a POET, and a really good one too!!! :):)
Three years of long chats and discussions in the corridors of VESIT, crying on each other's shoulder, scolding each other for some stupid mistakes and i know this is just the begining of our friendship. I know we have a long way to go. I know that i wont let go off him, succumbing to the geological barriers that may come between us. But still there is this fear... Fear of not having him by my side at all times...(come on, i have to be practical).
I would like Time to take a rewind, taking me three years back...I would gladly relive these three years just for one reason and it is him.
I will miss you brother...
P.S. : These lines still do not do justice to the gem of a person that he is.
Seshadri NArasimhan - Not so Tall. Only bones and skin, No flesh. Typical madrasi looking. Noticeable glasses. Scholarly looks...Well this is the description of his which will not do any justice to the gem of a person that he is.
I met him for the first time in the first SFMC meeting in my second year. He comes across as an intelligent and caring person to everyone. That is how even i felt. I interacted quite a bit with him professionally regarding SFMC work with him in the second year. I never realised that a wonderful friendship was in the making. I found the kind of a friend that i think i was sub conciously looking out for. At the end of the second year, I tied him a Rakhi and officially made him my brother. And for the record...He didnt give me any gift. Not even a Chocolate!!!
"Seshu, Waste hai tu".
By the way. I keep saying this to him quite often. :) But what i really mean when i say is...
"I love you brother"...
You can just stop loving this guy...
He can read my pulse. Yes! he really can. He always knows the mood that i am in. At times when even my mom doesnt know that something is bothering me, seshu knows. He would deligently come into the class, stand besides my bench and look at me for a moment. I now what he is going to say next. And even he knows that i know!! But I behave like i am toally unaware of his intentions. I look at him stupidly and say an artificially cheerful "HI SESHU"... He would throw one of his "Shut up Stupid" looks and say what i know he is going to say "Aparna, Bahar Chal"...Well, sitting on the bench out side my class starts the counselling session. I have ALWAYS felt better after speaking to him.
We discuss almost everything under the sun... My deepest fears, stupidest ideas and craziest fantasies find reason with him. Something spectacular about this guy is that he says what we want to hear. 100% of the times, we are in tune. He understands exactly what i feel and says exactly the things i want to hear.
The third year, the most important year of our friendship, saw the both of us taking up very important posts in our college society SFMC. Through out the year, he has been by my side, telling me what i should be doing and what i should stay away from and appreciating my work. He has been my best critic too! He has been my greatest support on my most miserable days and has always come to me with his problems looking for support from me. Yes, we have had some misunderstandings, but very few of them, and I know for sure that these episodes have only strengthened our friendship.
That year, during Raksha Bandhan, i tied him a rakhi again, but this time I really wasnt expecting anything from him. And as usual he said, "Mere paas tujhe dene ke liye kuch nahi hai re!!" And for a change, i was not too upset at this. Coz i really didnt want anything FROM him. I just wanted him to be my side as always. That day, there was a surprise awaiting me in my mail box. It was a poem written by him for me. A simple yet beautiful poem. I would have read it atleast a hundred times that day and i continue to read it now and then. It makes me feel special. It was then that i came to know of yet another talent of my brother...He was a POET, and a really good one too!!! :):)
Three years of long chats and discussions in the corridors of VESIT, crying on each other's shoulder, scolding each other for some stupid mistakes and i know this is just the begining of our friendship. I know we have a long way to go. I know that i wont let go off him, succumbing to the geological barriers that may come between us. But still there is this fear... Fear of not having him by my side at all times...(come on, i have to be practical).
I would like Time to take a rewind, taking me three years back...I would gladly relive these three years just for one reason and it is him.
I will miss you brother...
P.S. : These lines still do not do justice to the gem of a person that he is.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
From the Vishy diaries - MAT[H]RIX 2006
It is the 22nd of March, 2006. Having treated myself to a well deserved feast ordered from the local restaurant, I am now sitting in my depressingly sultry bedroom. There is no electricity, the phone line is down and it is only a matter of time before the charge on my cellphone gives out.
Cut off from the outside world, I hark back to 24 hours earlier.
It was 12.45 PM on the 21st, and we were putting the final touches to the organizing of our annual SFMC symposium, MAT[H]RIX 2006. At that moment, I could not have imagined that 24 hours hence, I would be sitting in an airless room, doing absolutely nothing...
Things were going on perfectly more or less, considering that only some minor preparatory JHOLS had occurred. I was breathing very easy, especially if you take into account the fact that the world's ("world" here, means the community of VESIT, my seniors, pals and immediate family) collective eyes were focused on my slender frame, waiting for me to prove my worth as a GS. The symposium was supposed to be the culmination of the yearlong activities of the society, a society for which (I modestly admit, based on unabashed reviews from near and dear ones) I had worked tirelessly with the council, and in doing so, had whittled my once wellbuilt frame to a framework of bones. [Justifiably so, for organizing is not my forte.]
And then, the sky fell down...
We realised that the banner we had ordered to be made, would not arrive soon enough, and I had to break open the locker[whose key I had irresponsibly lost] to access the previous banner. AND the mike wasnt working.
As if that wasnt enough, a miscommunication had led to two hundred and fifty dusty, ragged SFMC members crowding the entrance to the venue [the auditorium] before things could be readied and the audience ushered in.
I have never really found myself to be in a pressure situation. All I have done is read accounts of it. In novels,etc. "All the things they teach you, Be calm, breathe easy, etc...all these instructions fly out of your head...Your brain seems to be in limbo, just accepting information without processing it." This was a line I'd read in some novel.
Well, I happen to think this is crap. This WAS a pressure situation. I was IN it. And i must say i handled it pretty well. 5 council members were Gheraaoing me, screaming information at the top of their voices, To complicate matters, the ongoing sound testing and "Hello - Hello"s, with the racket of an overeager audience at the doors, made decision-making pretty difficult.
I actually remember feeling short of breath. Things were falling apart. Aparna BS was nowhere to be seen. The lights were becoming overbright.
I took a deep breath, and dissociated myself from the hubbub. A shrug of the shoulders helped things along. Then I began dealing with things one at a time, according to a priority which had automatically formed in my mind. 2 people were sent to find the technician and have the mike fixed.4 were posted on each door to take care of the burgeoning crowd. Things started to look better. To tell the truth, the sight of the members being systematically let in was a sight for sore eyes. But one thing I learnt was, management is a mind game.
The start of the symposium was thankfully uneventful, owing to a great TE and notably SE council.[Discussion about them in a later post] Marked only by a lot of running about to arrange the freely given folders and CD pouches in their proper place. Some hiccoughs were caused by a delay in the arrival of the food during the first break. The canteen guy kept underestimating the sheer stress that 250 hungry and bored audience members can put on a canteen's food production speed. He kept refilling each basket of food late, so that pileups at the food counter became common.
In between food breaks, I got a breather and started to think.
This was realistically the first event that I had managed independently. As such, Aparna was present, but I could detect a hint of restraint. Maybe I am mistaken, but if such restraint on her part ever existed, it was well made, because I finally got a taste of how it was REALLY done, about the liters of sweat that went into an event. For some reason, I also relished the feeling of being the cynosure, of being asked for details, etc. The feeling that if I suddenly absented myself from the proceedings, the whole event would come crashing down on its knees.
The voice of a fellow council member jolted me back to reality. Easy, Vishy, I reminded myself. The event is not yet over. But who says power is NOT seductive....
I later chanced upon the SFMC diary that I had maintained, in which, the night before, I had made an intricate schedule of jobs along with people responsible. I am glad to say that I did not write down a word during the entire symposium. I even referred to it only once or twice. Astonishing, especially when you take into account the fact that I have this obsession with writing things down. And THAT reinforces my belief that management is a mind game....
With the reality of affairs evident during the first lunch break, we made things a little more organized during the second break. This time, problem areas were identified and we learnt from our mistakes.
With the end of the symposium in sight, I should have felt depressed, but the truth is I was still in High-Adrenaline mode. No time to feel That feeling of emptiness or That feeling of nostalgia etc etc....Sometimes the movies and books hype it up.
The last of the members dispersed with a full stomach as well as bag full of goodies. And finally we council members sat down for our dinner.
And then it struck me...
The symposium was over. The one event which defined the society was over. And with it, my role for the Society was almost finished for the Semester.
Almost Finished...
Where had the sem gone? I wondered, in a quiet moment of reflection. It was as if last week ,that I got the message on my cellphone, "you have been selected as the General Secretary..."
It was like 4 days ago, that I had felt the insecurities that are part and parcel of any responsibility...it was yesterday that I heaved a sigh of relief that Stock Market had gone well...WHEN did it all happen?
Then I realised that maybe this was what they meant...maybe this was what the 20-something ex-students meant when they told us, with a faraway, moist look in their eyes, "Time flew when we had fun..."
We worked like heaven, but we also had fun. Period.
Cut off from the outside world, I hark back to 24 hours earlier.
It was 12.45 PM on the 21st, and we were putting the final touches to the organizing of our annual SFMC symposium, MAT[H]RIX 2006. At that moment, I could not have imagined that 24 hours hence, I would be sitting in an airless room, doing absolutely nothing...
Things were going on perfectly more or less, considering that only some minor preparatory JHOLS had occurred. I was breathing very easy, especially if you take into account the fact that the world's ("world" here, means the community of VESIT, my seniors, pals and immediate family) collective eyes were focused on my slender frame, waiting for me to prove my worth as a GS. The symposium was supposed to be the culmination of the yearlong activities of the society, a society for which (I modestly admit, based on unabashed reviews from near and dear ones) I had worked tirelessly with the council, and in doing so, had whittled my once wellbuilt frame to a framework of bones. [Justifiably so, for organizing is not my forte.]
And then, the sky fell down...
We realised that the banner we had ordered to be made, would not arrive soon enough, and I had to break open the locker[whose key I had irresponsibly lost] to access the previous banner. AND the mike wasnt working.
As if that wasnt enough, a miscommunication had led to two hundred and fifty dusty, ragged SFMC members crowding the entrance to the venue [the auditorium] before things could be readied and the audience ushered in.
I have never really found myself to be in a pressure situation. All I have done is read accounts of it. In novels,etc. "All the things they teach you, Be calm, breathe easy, etc...all these instructions fly out of your head...Your brain seems to be in limbo, just accepting information without processing it." This was a line I'd read in some novel.
Well, I happen to think this is crap. This WAS a pressure situation. I was IN it. And i must say i handled it pretty well. 5 council members were Gheraaoing me, screaming information at the top of their voices, To complicate matters, the ongoing sound testing and "Hello - Hello"s, with the racket of an overeager audience at the doors, made decision-making pretty difficult.
I actually remember feeling short of breath. Things were falling apart. Aparna BS was nowhere to be seen. The lights were becoming overbright.
I took a deep breath, and dissociated myself from the hubbub. A shrug of the shoulders helped things along. Then I began dealing with things one at a time, according to a priority which had automatically formed in my mind. 2 people were sent to find the technician and have the mike fixed.4 were posted on each door to take care of the burgeoning crowd. Things started to look better. To tell the truth, the sight of the members being systematically let in was a sight for sore eyes. But one thing I learnt was, management is a mind game.
The start of the symposium was thankfully uneventful, owing to a great TE and notably SE council.[Discussion about them in a later post] Marked only by a lot of running about to arrange the freely given folders and CD pouches in their proper place. Some hiccoughs were caused by a delay in the arrival of the food during the first break. The canteen guy kept underestimating the sheer stress that 250 hungry and bored audience members can put on a canteen's food production speed. He kept refilling each basket of food late, so that pileups at the food counter became common.
In between food breaks, I got a breather and started to think.
This was realistically the first event that I had managed independently. As such, Aparna was present, but I could detect a hint of restraint. Maybe I am mistaken, but if such restraint on her part ever existed, it was well made, because I finally got a taste of how it was REALLY done, about the liters of sweat that went into an event. For some reason, I also relished the feeling of being the cynosure, of being asked for details, etc. The feeling that if I suddenly absented myself from the proceedings, the whole event would come crashing down on its knees.
The voice of a fellow council member jolted me back to reality. Easy, Vishy, I reminded myself. The event is not yet over. But who says power is NOT seductive....
I later chanced upon the SFMC diary that I had maintained, in which, the night before, I had made an intricate schedule of jobs along with people responsible. I am glad to say that I did not write down a word during the entire symposium. I even referred to it only once or twice. Astonishing, especially when you take into account the fact that I have this obsession with writing things down. And THAT reinforces my belief that management is a mind game....
With the reality of affairs evident during the first lunch break, we made things a little more organized during the second break. This time, problem areas were identified and we learnt from our mistakes.
With the end of the symposium in sight, I should have felt depressed, but the truth is I was still in High-Adrenaline mode. No time to feel That feeling of emptiness or That feeling of nostalgia etc etc....Sometimes the movies and books hype it up.
The last of the members dispersed with a full stomach as well as bag full of goodies. And finally we council members sat down for our dinner.
And then it struck me...
The symposium was over. The one event which defined the society was over. And with it, my role for the Society was almost finished for the Semester.
Almost Finished...
Where had the sem gone? I wondered, in a quiet moment of reflection. It was as if last week ,that I got the message on my cellphone, "you have been selected as the General Secretary..."
It was like 4 days ago, that I had felt the insecurities that are part and parcel of any responsibility...it was yesterday that I heaved a sigh of relief that Stock Market had gone well...WHEN did it all happen?
Then I realised that maybe this was what they meant...maybe this was what the 20-something ex-students meant when they told us, with a faraway, moist look in their eyes, "Time flew when we had fun..."
We worked like heaven, but we also had fun. Period.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
The Ocean Within...
The mind is like a monkey jumping from one tree top to the other. Our thoughts are like the trees that the monkey jumps onto. And eternal happiness is the moments we feel when the mind is thoughtless.
It is from this ocean of thoughts - the ocean within, that i bring out a few waves on to this blog...
It is from this ocean of thoughts - the ocean within, that i bring out a few waves on to this blog...
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